05 August 2015

War Is Too Important To Be Left To Politicians

I met my first gecko many moons ago when Rusty’s older brother rented a home on Kauai. I was still fairly girly then and was initially spooked by the dozens of little lizards on the property. But one quickly adjusts, and after a couple of weeks they were rather cute. Then came the incident in Ouagadougou with a gecko the size of a kitten. Truly, the lightening-fast creature was enormous. Picture a hotdog bun with legs and a tail. So to this day, after a gecko reaches a certain size (nowhere near kitten size – Ive never seen another that large), it is not my friend.

Yes, I understand fully the gecko benefits . . . they eat hundreds of insects, blah, blah, blah. One particularly large gecko at Mil Colinas hangs-out in our guest bedroom. He’s not bun size, but he’s nearing Montecristo Churchill size. I’m committed to urging him to leave . . . and not cradled in a handbasket but cradled in the arms of Gecko Jesus. Sally, you should stop reading right now.

About a week ago Lubos and Cynthia dropped by around dusk. We were admiring the new bathroom cabinets when Lubos saw this same particularly large gecko. Had to be the same one, right? So Lubos said He’s got to go. I replied with the usual PETA party line: but he’ll eat insects; and I don’t like him either, but I’m not going to kill him. Lubos said that when I hear a gecko being whirled/ground to death in the bathroom fan, I’ll understand why this infestation cannot remain indoors. Cynthia cringed, but didn’t deny this gruesome statement and its imagery. Obviously, Cynthia has heard the lizard-meets-fan event. So Lubos explains that the geckos will invade all electronics, not merely the interior equipment of the bathroom fan/vent-system. They’ll get inside the electronics of the microwave. Oh my! Well, I keep seeds in my microwave, so I could not care less about a working microwave. And then Lubos declared: they’ll get inside the A/C units, indoors and out, and destroy the components. Okay, enough said. This means war. Ain’t no gecko of any size gonna interfere with me and my A/C. Jill quite agreed.

Geckos can sometimes be spotted during the day. They are particularly quick during the day . . . perhaps because they’re more wary and not solely on their hunt for insects, which are fewer in number during the daylight. I keep our two brooms (one fully extended to at least 8-feet) locked and loaded at all times. These first-strike weapons are strategically placed inside the home for quick maneuvers. I’ve already killed two geckos (smashed ‘em flat), and at least two others have lost a tail (whether because I whacked it, or whether because they eject their tail under rapid-fire broom assault . . . who can say?). I see these tailless geckos and know that now they’re either more vulnerable, or more clever. They rank high on my target list.

Last night two of our mountain neighbors, Roy and Peter, dropped me at the house after glass class in Samara; and we invited them onto the terrace for happy hour. The particularly large gecko maybe losing weight because he seems to watch for me and my brooms more than he watches for insects. Okay, perhaps not. I may never be able to take down this big-five specimen in my lizard war; but as for the others, dusk is prime gecko-hunting season. So the men ignored me as I went about my indoor stalking. That’s when it happened. I smacked one on the south wall so hard that I felt wet particles on my face. There. I said it. Incidentally, I also said a few choice words last night, and not in my 4th-grade-level Spanish . . . but I doubt that Roy and Peter will judge me for that.

I’m confident that what remained of the gecko remained in the broom. A few quick flicks on the terrace railing, and one would hope that the evidence fell toward the river. In any event, I’m not inspecting the broom . . . I'll leave that task for Janet. However, I will not be put off from this war by a little collateral damage to my face and wall. 

Well, I guess I've done murder. PETA and the Jains can send their petition for extradition to The White House . . . because out here, due process is a bullet . . . or a broom. Lo que hay.